My Life's Journey

Stepping Stones and Mountain Tones:

Reflections of the Heart:

Redirecting My Journey

For so long I have believed that eventhough I had given my life to Christ and had new life and the old life was gone and dead, I was always going to be a door-mat for everyone to walk on and never really be able to live the life that God designed for me to live.  I still feel that way sometimes.  But I know in my heart and in my spirit that my past hurts, wounds, mistakes and failures are not my true nature, and they are no longer the truest things about  the man that has come into unon with Christ Jesus.  I know my heart is good, and there are just a lot of old wounds and scars that just don't seem to be healing, which has made pretty critical of a lot of things around me.  

Since this new world-wide crisis started, I have had a lot of time to reflect on who I really am.  The war that's been going on in me is the same war that has been going on for the past few years, and it's between my heart and my mind.  My heart knows that I kind-hearted and caring, a  man after God's Own Heart, but my mind is so filled with all of the negative junk that I have pushed into the closet for so long, hoping to keep it from overshaowing my life, that now, I just can't seem to get rid of it.  The enemy has taken up residence in my mind telling me that I am just not worth God's time anymore, and sometimes it seems that no matter how much I pray, how much I study God's Word, or try to do what is right each new day that God gives me breath to live.  The more I am made to feel like I am just not worth God's time, or any one else's time either.  I know that's all a lie---but I still feel helpless sometimes and trapped in never-ending cycle.

This past two months has given me time to reevaluate my purpose and my journey.  I mean the true purpose that God has planned for my life's journey.  I have had to stop and ask myself these two questions: What of my heart have I mistakenly crucified?  How have I been sabotaging myself?  The second one is the big one!  The Truer Adventurer; the warrior, the risk taker; I don't mean doing stupid stuff.  I mean being the person---the man I was when I joined the Military 43--years ago and the man I became when I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 22--years of age; the man I write about in my poems.

It seems like the closer I get to living out the dreams that God has planteed in my heart, the more it seems that I keep allowing the enmey do something to sabotage those dreams, by making the wrong decisions financially that result in being pushed back to the starting point all over again.  And sometimes I seem to be my own worst enemy.  So, I have taking this time to listen to what God has been trying to say to me and allow Him to redirect my Journey, stop trying to figure everything out and stop trying to fix everything by my own streagnth, and take my own advice; and say out loud every day----"If God was in control before all this started, then He is still in control now!"             

In The Shadows of Loneliness

(through the eyes of an elderly man)

As my weeks go by these days, loneliness fills the earth around me,

My soul, my spirit, my heart, my body, my mind, long for a completeness they have not known for a long time. 

I feel like I will never have the closeness with the people I meet that I once had when I was younger man, nor will I have the closeness with my family as I once had----I fear that I may never never completely know another person with the cloeness and intimacy like I used to, nor will they truly know me, because it seems like I have like so many others, become invisible to those around, I am just another old face in the crowd.

While on this earth for my remaining days, I feel as though I am condemned to eat and drink the fruit of loneliness.

Like the lone wolf, the hawk who has lost his mate, and the lone eagle-----I move through the paths of life alone.

Asking----will no human relationship ever be in my grasp again?

Will I never again taste the sweetness of laughter, or joy in my heart or in my voice?  Will my spirit forever continue to die inside of me?

How long will my heart suffer this terrible need and loneliness?

Will my God, my Heavenly Father, that I have clinged to for all of my life since I was a younger man, be silent to my cry of my sleepless nights?

And will this lonely man lost and invisible to the world around him, never again find comfort, In the Shadows of his Lonelines?  

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Visions of You.

[A Poem of a Love Lost]

I often sit and think of you.............

I see your face so filled with sunshine, and your voice filled with laughter.

Your lips wet with the morning mist that fills the dawning air,

So fresh and crisp.

When you smile------

I see the brightness which collected from a million stars,

When you speak------

I hear he soft and joy-filled chattering of Mother Nature's Chior,

as the Sun slowly peaks over the tree tops,

And shines it Heavenly Light throughout God's Creation.

I see your face and hear your voice,

In everything I do and everywhere I go.

You are my every dream,

My every thought is filled with you,

I think of you every few minutes

All day long.    

Thoughts and Dreams--II:

I find myself sometimes dreaming of things I'd like to do

and of places I have longed to see.

Have you ever-------

Do you ever dream or let your thoughts run free?

I do------

You should.

It helps sometimes to dream of the things you want to do

or of places you have yet to travel,

Or to dream of things you do not have that are just beyond your reach!

Hold onto those dreams until you can reach just high enough

to grasp hold of your dreams and make them work!

I have always dreamed of owning large two-story log and stone lake house in the mountains, with four or five bedrooms, a bath for each,a large kitchen for cooking exotic gourmet dishes, and all the rooms that would comes such a house.  

A secret room to call my own, for storing away all my thoughts, secrets and dreams, I've not yet shared with you.  And fro writing love letters to send to you from across the breakfast table.

A house with a hundred or so acres for the Chestnut and Grey-Spotted Sorrel's I'll have bought for you.  With the mountains at our back yard.

The crisp mountain air nipping at my nose as I awake with you in the morning sun, to the sound of the cheerful chattering of the squirrels and chipmunks as they play like little children in the park, and the cries of the Eagle and the Hawk as they seach for their morning meal, as they dive-bomb unaware field mice to make a delightful meal of them, just as we have meals of one another's love throughout the night and days long past.   

I think of the days we'll spend riding along the river side, or wading in the streams  that ramble through the valley's and the mountain sides.  I think of the days we'll spend sitting by the fire at the lake shore watcing the sun set over the mountain tops, and talking of the dreams that we have for the days yet to come.  I think of the times I'll spend with you snuggled up close to the fire place sharing our thoughts and dreams of growing old together.  

I think of the nights spent with you wrapped aroung me like a sweater wrapped about my shoulders.  I love the very thought of waking evey morning with you by my side, and thank God for every blessing He has given me in my life.